BEING A SINGLE MOTHER

These last couple of weeks have been the hardest. I initially started my blog so that I can be in contact with other mothers and especially other single mothers. Being a first time mom is hard, being a first time single mom is even harder and I don't always know what it is that I am missing or how a typical child my kids age is. My son is 3 now and I have never been married and have not had a stable relationship that is worth mentioning. Sometimes I think that I am doing my son a huge injustice raising him alone with my parents but at the end of the day I guess I can't blame myself for his dad not wanting to be with us. All I can do is do the best from my side. Everyday my heart breaks when he asks for his dad or mentions him. As I am blogging this I put a slide show on of photos for Corbynne. Even a photo of his dads foot sticking out in the corner he recognises and mentions. The zoo photo's he mentions that it is daddy's bear etc. Is it natural to be upset by these things? Having a child by a man means that you will probably always love or care for that man unless he did something very wrong. Is it always gonna hurt when my sons misses his father? Is it always going to hurt that I could not fix my sons family for him? When I go to deliver this baby that I am pregnant with now am I gonna feel twice the guilt for the rest of my life? This pregnancy has been very emotional as well because I am planning everything alone. I am looking at Corbynne's birth photo's and I am trying to face the fact that nobody will be there. It just amazes me that the man that made Corbynne, witnessed my pregnancy, was there for the birth and stared into his face after birth is just not interested and is this disconnected. This is the man who use to sleep with Corbynne on his chest. Almost every photo that is showing that I have of Corbynne's baby stage is filled with his dad and then after a year old.... NOTHING... no daddy.  It angers me that he doesn't care and it upsets me that my son does. I would expect a 3 year old not to care but the fact that photo's of his dad upsets him and he tells me "Corbynne wants daddy" breaks me. Obviously it makes me think further and I think about this baby that's on it's way will never have photo's of daddy and will probably in the end never know him. He is planning on going to Switzerland for a year or two to go work there. Is that a way to get away and is it maybe for the best so that my son can forget him and then so can I.

The science of it all is that men and women are wired differently and I guess the sooner I get over him the better and then maybe my son will too. As for my baby I don't know what to feel and people can give advice and friends can wipe my tears and give me their advice but in the end it's me standing in reality.